July 26 - I wish that it could be undone

Tuesday I woke up to horrific news. My parents contacted me on Skype and my Dad told me that my friend who was on and off dating my cousin Amanda, Nicholas James, took his own life. Even though I could not believe it was true, I bursted out crying. After I found out the news I was just a mess and was in bed for a couple of hours. I Skyped with Mike and he tried to make me feel better.


I had signed up to take a class at the gym with Lauren and I wasn't going to go but then I decided it might help take my mind of what happened and be good for me. We took a bus that went close to the gym but not directly to it and we were too late to take the class. We went into the gym and went on the computers and it was interesting that when I went onto the computer someone had left an article about Mariah Carey up. What are the chances I would choose a computer that someone left an article up of my favorite singer who I admire so much?

I feel like this was a little hidden sign to me because Mariah's music has always gotten me through hard times. Finally Lauren and I worked out a little on the treadmill and bicycle and then did some sit ups and then we left. Lauren and I got lunch at the plaza near the apartment and brought it back to eat.

I spent the rest of the afternoon in the apartment just reminiscing about Nick and worrying about Amanda dealing with what happened.


Later Lauren and I stopped quick at the agency to pick up our weekly allowance. We walked around Chinatown then went back to the apartment.


At night everyone was going out to Fabrika, a place that I went to the week before, but I didn't feel like going out so I just went there quick for some free food and went back to the apartment. Fabrika is a nice place though and it looked nice going earlier when the sun was setting. 

Prior to Fabrika when I was at the apartment the late evening outside was so beautiful. Everything was glowing, not bright like the sun shining, but a really soft, breathtaking glow. Again, this is something that was like a sign to me. I will never stop wishing that what happened to Nicholas James could be undone but I know that all I can do is be here for Amanda and hope that Nick is well wherever he is now.

Nicholas James 

I don't want to believe it.
You were so funny and so nice...it is so hard to think about this.
I have much love for you and Amanda and the family
loves you so much. 

I wish this could be undone. 

My parents were sad hearing the news..my Dad said "Marcus" reminiscing the way you would always say it
and it made me cry even harder.

Gotta stay positive though and hope that you are
well wherever you are.

We will miss you always....always.